Premier League predictions: Man City and Newcastle’s oily paddling pool, Chelsea’s blood feud and DCI Dyche

I’ve figured it out, folks. All this time my predictions have been going awry - ricocheting all over the shop and making me look foolish - and it’s all because the fella who came to install my crystal ball only went and fitted it upside down.

I know, I know - I’m as outraged as you are, but the good thing is that I checked the warranty, got in touch with customer services, and they sent somebody round post-haste to fix their mistake. And so, at long last, with absolute certainty, and the usual spoiler warning place, I present to you 10 entirely accurate Premier League forecasts for the coming weekend. Tuck in...

Manchester City vs Newcastle United

Word on the street is that BT Sport, in an effort to diversify their entertainment offerings to long-term subscribers, have requested that this fixture, instead of being a traditional game of football, is actually decided by Pep Guardiola and Eddie Howe contesting a Greco-Roman wrestling match in a paddling pool full of crude oil situated in the centre circle of the Etihad.

The winner gets three points and the opportunity to dunk a baby animal of their choosing. Man City 2-0, and Pep has his eye on a seal cub. Classic of the genre.

Chelsea vs Leeds United

I grew up in a small pit village out in the tarmac wilds of County Durham. It was the sort of place that few people moved to, and even fewer left. There were generations upon generations of the same families scuttling about those potholed streets, piled up one on top of the other like scuffed licks of paint on the walls of a pre-war bungalow.

As the old adage goes, familiarity breeds contempt, and nowhere is that more true than in the diplomatic crucible of the north east council estate. There are clans embroiled in petty blood feuds that go so far back nobody presently involved can even remember why they started. This is what Chelsea vs Leeds United feels like in the year 2023.

Both sides could desperately do with a win in this one; Leeds, due to the unshakeable threat of relegation, and Chelsea, due to the unshakeable threat of being a laughing stock on the internet. For what it’s worth, I don’t think either will get the result that they so frantically crave. 1-1.

Arsenal vs Bournemouth

Sometimes I forget Bournemouth are in the Premier League, and judging by the way they’ve been playing of late, sometimes they do too. Arsenal will win this; of that I have literally zero doubt. 3-0 to the Gunners.

Aston Villa vs Crystal Palace

In a clash that some critics have described as ‘happening this Saturday’, Aston Villa host Crystal Palace to determine who the most inherently mid-table side in the Premier League actually is. I have a strong premonition that the Eagles will soar this weekend, winning 3-1, and proving... well, absolutely nothing.

Brighton vs West Ham

Stop. Hammer time. Moyes’ boys did the unthinkable last week when they actually won a game of association football. They promptly lost one again a few days later, but hey, baby steps. Whether Brighton’s resistance will be as comparably limp as Nottingham Forest’s remains to be seen, although you would imagine it is highly unlikely. Nonetheless, West Ham should take heart from the glimpses of mettle they have shown in recent weeks. 2-2 draw. I HAVE SPOKEN.

Wolves vs Tottenham

The Matt Doherty Memorial Classico; he’s not dead or anything, he’s just in Spain. Wolves have dropped off a little of late, and three games without a win mean that the daylight between themselves and the bottom three is neither as broad or as bright as they might like.

For their part, Tottenham are a bit like a Tesla; on paper they’re flashy and fairly desirable, but every now and again they spontaneously self-combust for no apparent reason. I don’t see that happening here, but I do see the windscreen wipers coming off, or something similar. 1-1 draw.

Southampton vs Leicester City

So it turns out Southampton’s new manager bounce has been akin to a watermelon hitting a pavement from the top of the Chrysler Building. Every season the Premier League has an irrevocable basket case, and this year, you fear that it may be the Saints.

As for Leicester City, they would do well to learn a lesson from Saturday’s opponents on what can happen when stagnation becomes regression. They’re faltering but nowhere near as bad as Southampton. 2-0 to Leicester.

Nottingham Forest vs Everton

1-0 to Forest. In more pressing matters, does anybody know who I would contact to pitch an exact shot for shot remake of the seminal BBC drama Life On Mars, with Steve Cooper playing DI Sam Tyler and Sean Dyche in the role of DCI Gene Hunt? It is gravely urgent.

Liverpool vs Manchester United

Everything is fine, okay? Jurgen Klopp is fine, Liverpool are fine, and the fact that bitter rivals Manchester United actually look like a proper football team who can challenge for, and indeed win, silverware again is absolutely bloody fine!!! Now stop asking.

As for United, their week has been doubly disrupted; firstly by their tetchy FA Cup clash with West Ham, and secondly by Erik ten Hag’s continued efforts to get in touch with Sky Sports’ production team to see whether they’d be interested in accepting Harry Maguire onto the same punditry internship that Phil Jones was partaking in before the Carabao Cup final. They can have him for the rest of the season, if they like... 2-1 to United in this one.

Brentford vs Fulham

I don’t know, 2-1 to Fulham or something?