We asked AI to design Chelsea’s new stadium – and the results were utterly bizarre

Chelsea’s quest to build a new stadium somewhere in West London has been going on for years now, but as they’ve discovered, trying to find space to put up a new ground in the middle of one of the world’s busiest cities (with some of its strictest planning laws) isn’t a simple task – and so the wait goes on, and Stamford Bridge remains the club’s home.

One day, presumably, Chelsea will get their new ground, or at least revamp the existing one… but what will that stadium look like? We asked AI to come up with a blueprint for a brand new stadium, partly to get a glimpse into the future and partly because we hoped the results would be entertainingly unhinged. We were not disappointed.

What Chelsea’s new stadium will look like – according to AI

The prompt we popped into the algorithm asked it to “design a new stadium for Chelsea which reflected the club’s history.” And what it decided that meant, apparently, was clocks.

The new ground will, apparently, be given the name “The Blues’ Timepiece Stadium”, which is pretty rubbish, but does at least reflect the concept: “The stadium is circular, resembling a massive clock face lying flat on the ground, with a towering, asymmetrical "clock hand" spire rising from one side. The spire, painted in Chelsea’s signature blue, tilts slightly as if caught mid-motion, adding a playful, surreal touch.”

Apparently this “surreal, playful” route as a nod “to the iconic clock at Stamford Bridge’s East Stand, a beloved symbol of the club’s heritage.” We’ll be honest, we hadn’t actually realised Stamford Bridge had a clock, less still that it was “iconic”, but perhaps it’s a bigger deal to fans than it is to neutrals. Either way, designing the entire stadium around it feels a little bit much.

But that isn’t the only nod to Chelsea’s history and culture that forms a major part of this already baffling edifice – no, the AI determined that the one thing that this stadium really needed was John Terry. Lots and lots of John Terry.

The “towering spire” will be named Terry’s Tower rises from one of the stands “leaning slightly as if defiantly standing its ground, a playful yet heroic nod to his resilience.” Does leaning slightly indicate standing ones ground? Do people look at the Leaning Tower of Pisa and think about resilience? Perhaps, but it sounds as though getting the thing built on the tilt will either be expensive or dangerous. At least it would be playful.

The stadium will apparently be clad with “shifting blue panels” with feature “etched silhouettes of Terry’s defining moments” with the number 26 “subtly woven into the design”, although we suspect the overall effect of thousands of John Terrys scowling down at supporters wouldn’t be very subtle at all. Now, what does this monumental stadium look like…?

Look, AI is still pretty awful at pictures. To be honest, it’s pretty awful full stop. But one can’t argue that the ground is round, which is therefore technically much like a clock-face, and while we’re not convinced that the tower resembles either a clock hand or a monument to the club’s captain, leader, legend, Baller League coach and Dad of the Year, it does at least exist in this drawing. Believe us, we had to prompt it repeatedly to follow its own brief. Don’t use AI art, please. Partly for ethical reasons, but mostly because it’s absolutely rubbish.

Anyway, it does at least look like a functional stadium, so fair play to the robots on that score, and we can’t help but chuckle at the lines of people striding purposefully towards a giant, glowering Terry, or at least a very approximate rendition of him. It captures his facial expression when being refused a handshake by Wayne Bridge, anyway.

Of course, the outside of the stadium isn’t the only thing that matters – this is the age of the amenity, when a stall selling pies and pints simply won’t cut it. We need cheese shops and rooftop swimming pools. So what’s going on inside?

Terry, Terry, and a bit more Terry

Let’s just say that the algorithm didn’t tire of the John Terry theme, and it certainly didn’t limit it to the exterior. No, this stadium comes with everything that people whose PIN numbers are 2626 could possibly require.

There’s ‘Terry’s Keep’, a “fortress-like lounge reflecting his defensive grit” inside the leaning spire at which one can apparently purchase Captain’s Ale, a “robust stout” brewed in collaboration with the man himself. Does he know anything about brewing? Possibly.

They can drink their pints of dodgy stout while enjoying one of the VR stations inside Terry’s Keep, which allow them to experience moments from his career from his perspective, “like heading in a goal or leading the trophy lift.” Which could be quite fun, to be fair.

In the family zone (‘Terry’s Academy’, of course), children can play on “a mini-pitch where young fans defend against holographic strikers, narrated by Terry’s voice encouraging them to ‘Hold the line!’” Ah yes, that famous quote of his.

His words of wisdom extend to the posh seats, too. 26 of the very wealthiest Chelsea fans will be able to enjoy their view from ‘Terry’s Lookout’, an outdoor terrace consisting of “26 premium seats with etched plaques of his quotes (e.g., "I’d run through brick walls for this club"). It offers heated blue cushions and panoramic Thames views.” That presumably means that the seats are facing the wrong way, unless they’re really high up. As for the other 25 quotes, no suggestions are proffered, but presumably they won’t include whatever he actually said to Anton Ferdinand.

For the finishing touch, we finally move on from the JT fixation in favour of a visual feast: “At night, the stadium’s ‘clock hand’ spire projects a holographic display into the sky - a rotating Chelsea crest or playful animations like a ticking clock counting down to match day - visible across West London, delighting fans and passersby alike.”

Just how delighted local residents would be with having their every move backlit by a ticker counting down the days until another defeat to Brighton is debatable, of course, but it certainly fits with the depressing concept of a stadium for the future – playful, surreal and frankly insane. Let’s just hope that the club engage some actual architects when the time finally comes.