Spurs’ Harry Kane versus the Duolingo Owl and Steven Gerrard’s Mamma Mia obsession

Who’s the most unpopular person in Britain? The rudest, most condescending and unpleasant individual of them all? Well, Harry Kane is rapidly moving on from his stock answer of Piers Morgan, because now he’s having to deal with someone he truly despises on a daily basis – one of the most irritating people you could ever imagine. Yes, it’s the Duolingo Owl.

That chirpy little beggar can send up to half a dozen deeply patronising and needling updates to your phone per day should you dare to do anything other than brush up on your vocab every two hours. Most of the messages amount to family-friendly versions of “Twit twoo! Where the f**k are you?” It would make anyone’s blood boil, but Harry is plugging on, at least until he find out what the French is for “I will tear your feathers out one by one if you don’t shut up, you insufferable little strigiform.”

And he’s doing it in French specifically because he’s off to Paris Saint-Germain this summer, should we believe Le Parisien. They’re certainly one of the few clubs who could pay the going rate for the England captain – who has one more year to run on his Tottenham Hotspur contract – and it could even mean a tearful reunion with beloved former head coach José Mourinho, if our reports from yesterday end up being correct. Mange tout, Harry, mange tout.

Also brushing up on his language skills is former Aston Villa and Rangers manager Steven Gerrard, who has reportedly on the shortlist to become the next Olympiacos coach – according to The Express. Greek, of course, brings a whole new alphabet into play, which at least means you don’t know what the owl is on about until you’ve got quite a long way in. Anyway, our Stevie loves gyros and watched Mammia Mia three times in the cinema, so he reckons he’d be a perfect fit for a managerial jaunt to the Mediterranean.

Finally, some news from a little bit closer to home. James Ward-Prowse will understandably be on his way if the Saints end up getting relegated to the Championship, and Spurs, West Ham and Newcastle United are the suitors, per Talksport.

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So the Southampton playmaker will have no need for a passport and can live in blissful ignorance of the endless pain of trying to acquire a second language – although, speaking as a fellow southerner who’s made the move up to the Newcastle area, a Geordie Duolingo would have been quite handy. Not handy enough to make up for that bloody owl, though.