I asked AI which striker West Ham should sign to end their curse - the answer wouldn't cost them a penny

West Ham United may have entered a new era with Graham Potter at the helm, but at least one of their problems is deeply familiar, and has plagued several managers in a row – the Hammers are seemingly cursed to never find a striker, and breaking that particular spell will be one the first orders of business for Potter and his new boss Tim Steidten.

Summer signing Niclas Füllkrug was the club’s latest stab at finding a top class striker but a seemingly endless string of injury issues means that the 31-year-old looks set to join Gianluca Scamacca on the scrapheap, and West Ham are back to the drawing board in the January transfer window. A host of forwards have been linked with a move to the London Stadium, and getting the right signing could easily be the difference between a strong end to the season and a close shave with the relegation zone.

Clearly, the combination of Steidten, Julen Lopetegui and his predecessor David Moyes have failed to come up with a solution, so we thought it was only fair to give somebody else a chance to figure it out – or, more accurately, something. Yes, we’ve decided to fall in line with UK government strategy and open the floor up to AI as if it’s a wonderful thing and not the scarily semi-sentient plaything of evil corporations coming for our jobs. It’s probably going to put half of us journalists out of work, so why not see if it can take a few technical directors down as well? Can’t hurt.

Who should West Ham sign to end their striker curse?

Yep, that’s the first prompt we fired into the infernal machine to see if it had any sensible suggestions – or at least, to see if it could pretend as though it did, because let’s face it, public-facing AI isn’t exactly Deep Blue 2.0, it’s just good at scraping through things other people are saying and summarising them. In other words, without people such as mid-career journalists creating original written content, AI wouldn’t have any ‘ideas’ at all. Please don’t fire me. You still need me.

Anyway, it gave us a list of suggestions cribbed from other sources, but the top name it came up with was Lille forward Jonathan David, who is entering the final six months of his contract in France and has been linked with just about every other club in Europe. That means he’ll be available on a free transfer in the summer, with clubs welcome to discuss terms and agree a deal with the player ahead of the end of the season.

Why does it reckon David would be such a good fit? Well, apparently his “combination of youth, goal-scoring prowess, tactical flexibility, and the economic advantage due to his contract situation make him a compelling choice,” which, to be honest, is a bland but entirely accurate summary of his attributes.

David’s “consistent goal-scoring ability” and “link-up play and work rate” are both cited, which is deeply irritating as I’d probably have said much the same, albeit with more of a rhetorical flourish. If these things ever learn to write good prose, writers are in trouble. I feel like a Luddite looking at a Spinning Jenny for the first time.

Admittedly, the machine’s analysis does lack some nuance. Well, any nuance. It also mentions David’s “performance in big games”, noting the quality of his work in “high-stakes matches, like those in the Champions League”, which I’d politely suggest may not be especially relevant to West Ham in the immediate future. He’s only managed three goals in 16 games between the Europa League and Conference League, perhaps a more important data point.

Nevertheless, it’s hard to argue with the idea that David would be a great signing for West Ham if they could beat his many other suitors to the punch. Should they fail to do so, the AI’s suggestions get a little shakier, at least in my opinion. Evan Ferguson might be great one day, but replacing Füllkrug with another player who spends half of his young life on the treatment table seems questionable. Liam Delap is mentioned but the odds on Ipswich Town selling him in the midst of a relegation battle for anything less than the combined GDP of the entire East End seem limited. Taiwo Awoniyi is “suggested as a more affordable option”, for any fans who want to shrug politely at a computer pretending to have an idea.

Should West Ham sign Marcus Rashford?

Before we return to the realms of sanity and shut the machine down (ideally permanently, with a big hammer), I am compelled by editorial decree to ask it what it thinks about the rumours linking West Ham with a loan bid for Marcus Rashford.

The AI, to which I have by now attributed the appearance and mannerisms of Agent Smith from The Matrix, provides a succinct and relatively balanced reply. Rashford “could theoretically be a high-impact signing for West Ham's immediate needs, the practicalities of his wage, current form, and competition from other clubs suggest that West Ham might need to look elsewhere to truly end their striker curse.”

The algorithm also notes that Rashford’s “recent performances have been under scrutiny, with reports indicating struggles in training and a lack of focus”, just in case you’d missed the memo, and furthermore frets that his “verticality and exploiting spaces behind defences rather than intricate build-up play from the back. This might not perfectly align with the detailed positional play and off-the-ball movements that Potter typically demands.”

Which, to be honest, is probably about as deep as any tactical and positional analysis I’d have managed to come up with. Fewer jokes, though. I’m going to have to retrain, aren’t I?